This is Why I don’t have Children

I’m writing this post in response to a great article I read yesterday.

http://mudroomblog.com/this-is-why-im-single/

Melissa Zaldivar walks us through the steps that most young adult women go through. People look down on you with pity because in their eyes, you’re not complete. Maybe it’s something you’re doing wrong, not going out on enough dates, you haven’t been in a serious relationship before, or you’re just not trying hard enough.

At my wedding, there weren’t many single women there, so I didn’t have a strong passion to participate in the tradition of throwing my bouquet. I gave the flowers to my maid of honor, who was my only single bridesmaid and my best friend.

Being single in your twenties is hard, and I can only assume that it gets harder the older you get. When I was twenty-five, there was a lot of pressure to get married and have children. The pressure wasn’t from family or close friends, but from acquaintances and co-workers – people I see but don’t converse with often.

When I graduated High School, a lot of people were disappointed that I wasn’t going to college. I didn’t take a year off, it was my plan all along to not attend collage. People thought that was a poor choice. Everyone goes to college! I didn’t want to go. I didn’t know what kind of degree I’d go for. I didn’t want to waste thousands of dollars over four years just to get a degree for something I could do without one.

A lot of people were surprised to learn that I met my husband through an online dating website. Once I met him, I fell in love with him fast. A year later we were married.

At a couple of our wedding showers, some people were a little nosy about wanting to know our plans to have children. When someone asks how many children you want, they don’t expect you to come back with zero as the answer. Why would anyone not want to have children?

Do you have a minute, because I can whip up a list on why I don’t want children pretty fast.

  1. They cost a lot of money. My husband Shawn and I barely have enough to get by with just the two of us. Kids are expensive! Food, diapers, education and so much more.
  2.  There’s a good chance a child of mine will inherit some of my mental health conditions. It’s discouraging to think about passing on anxiety/depression to a child.
  3. Personal health reasons. Becoming pregnant might put my health in jeopardy.
  4. Most kids drive me crazy. Take it from a retail worker, I see a lot of kids out of control. Parents yelling and chasing after them. False threats and real anger. When they leave I breath a sigh of relief.

The number one thing that I see people say online and in real life: “I was never fulfilled until I had children.” or “Having kids has given my life purpose.”

Your life had no purpose before you had children? That’s incredibly sad! I volunteered at summer as a camp counselor, I’ve traveled to Niagara Falls, Nashville, Colorado and countless other amazing places. I was in a church band. I’ve written novels. I have had and still have tremendous goals and dreams for my life. You mean to tell me that it’s all nothing until or unless I have children?

I. Don’t. Buy. It.

Most people probably feel sorry that I don’t have a desire to have children. That’s okay. But don’t think less of me. There’s a whole lot that I want to do in life. If I end up having kids, then great. But if I don’t, that’s okay too. Life is complicated and unpredictable, anything can happen in an instant to change our plans.

In the meantime, I am wonderfully fulfilled by the love of my husband and the support from my family and friends. My purpose is not found in having children. I am a writer. Always have been. I find joy in inspiring others to do more.

I have a great marriage where my husband supports my dreams, goals and passions.

THAT is what life is about for me.

-Kristina Wise

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